An open letter to my son

Being here with Wolfie brought back a memory of when you and I were riding in the car one day. Your mom was off at medical school. You were about 11 and you were giving me sass about something; I don’t remember what. No biggie; but I turned to you and asked, “Matt why are you giving me push back like this?” And your reply was, “Because I can.”

Somehow that stopped me and created an ‘aha moment.’ That was a sassy response, but it was also true. I realized it meant more than one thing. It meant, “Because I have the stones to stand up to you.” It also meant, “I have my own real personal reasons for doing it my way.” More deeply, it signified that, push come to shove, you were at a point where you probably could manage yourself. I didn’t need to hover and protect you all the time.

Thant sparked what I call The Rubber Band Theory, which goes like this: Adolescents need to know what they are capable of. They need to test what strengths they have; experiment with acting as adults. They still have this strong rubber band that is attached to their parents; but if they feel parental trust, they need to stretch it to see where their limits and their parents limits are. They are counting on parental caring to snap it back. They are working their new strength to see how far they can fly. They kind of enjoy scaring the crap out of adults…and themselves. They count on parents getting mad in order to know they are truly cared for.

There is another important step to this. When parents have the courage, they need not only to give the ‘no longer kids’ more responsibility, but, importantly, to teach their children that they are people too. As the young people ask to be seen as adults, so they need to be alerted to the fact that their parents are vulnerable, can be hurt. That they are getting older and can be exhausted by parenting. That parents need quality time to themselves when they can feel happy and comfortable that their kids are safe.

The rules and limits can be revealed as something adults need in order to get a decent night’s sleep. Money issues can be shared as the responsibility of everyone. Seeing a grubby room, or an unwashed kid, or someone careless about homework, or noise, or dicey friends is about a parent feeling they will be criticized for doing their job badly.

As young people move from being dependents to being ‘roommates’ with the adults in their household they need to see that they have responsibility not just for ‘their stuff’ but for the whole household. Of course, this means they have a stake and a say in how things look, how much is spent, and who does what. If parents need kids to be clean, well-mannered, and hard-working—it goes both ways.

Some counselor said the best tool a parent of an adolescent can use is listening, without needing to butt in or course correct. Wolfie and I were experimenting with collapsing a soda can with heat and ice. I felt it was important that we were getting it wrong several times. We both knew it was an experiment that was a bit dangerous. He was the ‘lead scientist’. We both shared in its success.

We chatted about your doing an often overwhelming job under a lot of stress. How that meant you needed ‘me time’ in the middle of the night. Your kids (semi-adults) are getting pretty good at helping themselves be the best people they can be. Wolf is now inserting his own experimental melodies in his piano practice. Is he drilling the Suzuki tunes until he can work them perfectly? Nope. Is he figuring out just what a piano can do and what he likes to play (and filling up his Siri-alotted practice time)? Yup. Why does he ‘cheat’ on his lesson? Because it’s sometimes boring? Yup. Also, because he can.