‘Sisusex’, not a bad name for product designed to aid elderly people with their love lives. But who am I kidding? Seniors are pretty good at loving. So their love lives are often fine. (Maybe a discussion of senior divorce at another date.) But senior sex is another whole kettle of wax or ball of fish. Mention senior sex and younger people tend to slide from “Ooo” to “Eeww.” “What are those old lizards doing with their clothes off? Nasty.”

Wrong. Just because we have seen a lot of planet spins doesn’t mean all the nerves have disappeared from our bodies. The triggers that get younger folks to sit up and take notice are still there. The need to share intimacy is vital. And as we age we often are desperate for a physical touch. John Prine wrote his “Hello In There, Hello” song about acknowledging that people in the Last Quarter need to be seen.

I’m sorry if it tweaks your tender sensibilities, but we also need to be felt. We are not just ‘in there’; we are also very much ‘out there’ in terms of needing physical love.

Please let me share some perspectives about what becomes and remains sexy for senior citizens.

Some stat I read long ago said that men reach their highest sexual capability at 19 and women at 38. (Somehow this has not resulted in lots of ‘cougar’ and ‘boy toy’ relationships.) Now if you look at those ages from my perspective, most of life has been a downhill slide in the physical prowess department. It also means that women have about ten years from their sexual peak to menopause, during which many many of them are ‘lumbered’ with the main burdens of motherhood and careers and becoming whoever the heck they want to be.

So it is curious and ironic that the Last Quarter is actually the time when people have the time and leisure to do the most with their sex lives.

And there is another ‘dirty’ little secret: We change for the better. You might ask why is it better if a man can’t manage three or four ‘acts’ in 24 hours? Why is it better if a woman needs time and more varied stimuli to get her engine cranking? Well, I’m sure that you have heard that the mind is the primary sexual organ in the body. And, quite simply, as you enter your ‘leisure years’ there is more space for thinking about what you have done and would like to do. And the flavor of desire in men and women (and lots of people in between) as they age kind of moves toward each other in terms of what they want and need in bed (and any other place the desire hits.)

Let’s take a peek under the covers at the differences between men and women’s libidos. Let’s start with plain old biology. A man has millions and millions of sperm in a single ejaculation and only needs one to create a child. A woman lets loose a single egg once a month; so maybe 500 available eggs in her lifetime (a lot fewer if she spends a lot of her fertile years pregnant.) So nature seems to be ‘saying’ that males should spread those seeds around a lot to have a chance at creating his personal ‘best crop’ of kids. Meanwhile, women have a pretty narrow window each month for baby building; and once pregnant they are out of commission for new kid creation for the better part of a year.

Hmm. You notice a kind of mismatch here? If I guy just wants to make, say, six kids, he could manage it in less than a week. (That horny 18 year old might boast he could manage it in 24 hours.) But if a woman wants six kids, barring the accident of multiples, it would take her the better part of a decade.

So why would biology give a damn about sexual compatibility or all that ‘you’re the only one’ and ‘till death us do part’ stuff? You might get the idea that sex, for humans, and probably a lot of other critters who mate for life, has important purposes other than creating babies. Our biological ‘cousins’ the bonobos (98% DNA the same) do a lot of social bonding with sex play. Much of that is between individuals of the same gender. So, clearly, the ability to make another feel good while enjoying yourself is a really useful action.

I’m not saying you should mix it up with anyone except those whom you respect and are committed to.

So where does sexual sisu come in? If sisu is ‘digging deep’ to carry on with an action, then you would think it probably wouldn’t work with sex. (Curiously, ED pills relax the blood vessels in order to create useful erections. The more you force yourself to have sex the less likely it is to happen. And physical capability is not the same as desire.)

Forcing sex on yourself or other people, it seems to me, robs it of so much of its possibilities. Much of the human sensorium is very tender and delicate, even on a dude. So paying close attention tour wonderful sense of touch and feeling is what makes sexuality so rewarding. Of course, some people like it rough, much in the way they like rough sports. But that works well for people who agree to play. In my thinking, rape of any kind is never okay. Rough sex or BDSM (bondage, discipline, sado-masochism) may appeal to a few folks who actually seem to me to be more excited by pain than they are by sexual ecstasy. But I think no one should have to steel themselves to engage in such activity to please a partner. Certainly not as a senior.

In the Last Quarter sex can change from what it has been. It often takes quite a bit longer to kindle the fire. It can hurt because certain joints don’t bend the way they used to. Certain muscles can’t manage the same actions no matter how high the passion. Skin and tissues can be very tender. Stamina can stall. Hormones can take a vacation. And on top of all that the fire can fizzle just because fifty years of the same routine can deflate the drive.

And yet. And yet despite all those obstacles partners may still crave an intense level of intimacy. Sometimes that can be met with simple touch, a look, a gift, a poem. Sometimes it needs sex.

Bring on the gentle sisu.

What does that mean in this case?

It begins with communication. “I’m horny, let’s get it on,” often doesn’t work. Pushing on for your own satisfaction is cruel if your partner is in pain. Or if your partner really needs help getting as aroused as you are, you need to take time to figure out what that means.

And sometimes it means saying, “Not now. Later.” Sometimes it means saying, “What would feel better for you?” Or, “Shall I stop and try something different?” Seniors really can be open to all the ‘other’ ways of helping each other feel good. Need to stay healthy? Try slowly feeding your partner celery and carrot sticks with your fingers. Use gentle sisu to kick your imagination into gear. Pills and toys can be a help; but stay aware of the person you are loving and what delights them.

On the other hand, sometimes digging deep emotionally means recognizing that your partner is done with that part of their life. It can mean shifting to taking care of yourself by yourself. It can mean happily putting that part of your life to rest. But if you have a partner, you really need to check in to see how the changes in you effect them.

An important lesson in the Last Quarter is that sex in this time of life can most often be a truly emotional experience. The biological triggers don’t just kick in to scratch the itch. You see more and more clearly the place sex has in the bond with another, and that it requires love, consideration, care, and patience.

Even those seniors who find themselves without a permanent partner and are free to experiment with new relationships are faced with the fact that most often they are dealing with a real person with history, family, health concerns, well-established habits and tastes, and often pretty damn specific stuff that makes them feel good or wired or grossed out. You might find a much younger partner and be tempted to match them move for move. Don’t. Be real. Use your need for time and patience to help them enjoy a more curated sex. Don’t be afraid to gently teach. Let them see your gratitude.

Sex can be a very simple act. But people aren’t simple. Use your gentle sisu to ‘suss out’ just what still enchants your body; what enchants another’s body, and how you can tenderly share what you want and need and what you have to give to the end of the Last Quarter. And sometimes be positively fierce.